We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
