i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
