Pappa wants mamma naked
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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