I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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