Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
