I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
