oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
