meet me or not, i'm out of control
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
