Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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