I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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