hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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