I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
