What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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