I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
