the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
