Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
