ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
