I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
