I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You did what with his pubic hair?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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