what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
