Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
