I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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