I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
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