If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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