no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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