Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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