The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize