I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
