oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Randomize
