shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
