Kiss
Puke
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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