Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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