I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
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