Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
