how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
