its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
