id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I just forgot I was standing up.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
