I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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