Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
