I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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