Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
two words...techno handjob
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
