FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
