This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
