my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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