Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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