Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
This house was built for laser tag.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
