The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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