DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just googled if crying burns calories
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
