you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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