can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
