We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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