no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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