Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
