just tell him i said nine months
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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