Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
