I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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