I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
