genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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