I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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