remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
