i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
