U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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