Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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